Another Mucking Blog

The 2010 NBA All-Star Break is nearly upon us! And we’re taking bets to see if Kobe and the West will defeat Lebron and the East for the 2nd year in a row.

Now, when thinking about such a bet its important to break it down and know the odds, just like in poker. But how different is basketball from poker? We dare ask the question and find many, many similarities in the betting mind set?

1. What is the strongest pair? If your holding a Kobe High Card with a Carmelo Anthony kicker is that better than a Lebron-Dwayne Wade pair?

2. Which is the better conference? If Las Vegas is the West and Atlantic City is the East which has the most talent?

3. What are your chances of catching a clutch river to stay alive? Is Kobe or Lebron the better clutch river?

4. What is the better hand? Would you rather have Kobe and Melo in your hand and the board read Nash, Stoudemire, and Duncan or have A.I. and Lebron in your hand with the board reading Howard, Garnett, and Wade?

5. In a heads up match who is the better player? Who has the most skill and patients to go all in and take it hole when it counts? Is it Kobe or is it Lebron?

These are the questions one must ask themselves when making bets this year. And until we shuffle up and tip off and see who bust out first, our bets on KOBE!

-The Mucksters!

Awe. Tilt. Every poker players favorite thing…NOT!

Sure, playing on tilt is as appealing and relieving as squatting in an overflowing port-a-potty but hey sometimes it happens. However, there is an upside (to tilt that is). I’m talking about deliberately trying to induce tilt on your opponents to get an advantage, because hey, let’s face it, this is much easier to do than slipping a laxative in their drink. Rest assured it has the same effects.

BRING ON THE TILTAGE!

Drum roll please…(this is where you, the reader, give me, Cowboy Connor, a drum roll)

PRESENTING THE TOP 5 WAYS TO INDUCE TILT

#5. Paris Hilton That Shit On The River
This one is my favorite. You do this when you happen to suck-out on the river. You start out by asking whoever lost the hand “Do you have a camera with night vision?” and then say  “Cause you just got F’d like Paris Hilton and we all saw it!” At that point turn to someone at the table who wasn’t in the hand and say “Am I right?” and then proceed to high five any one who is willing to give you one. If you get no love just do a little victory dance and shout “Oh yeah! That’s how you like it! Naughty girl!”

#4. Put Your Brain in Your Mouth
Actually, this one is my favorite. It involves verbally stating your thought process as you make decisions so the whole table can hear. But of course, your thought process has to verbally abuse the rest of the table. For example “Well I can smell rank B.O. off that guy so he must be nervous cause damn that dude is sweating up a storm.” or “That huge smile on his face is way too big, which means he’s never been laid and is probably holding the best hand of his life.”

#3. The Bluff Blasters
OK for real! This is my favorite. Its name comes from the action you do after winning a hand that you bluffed. Basically after winning the hand, reveal the bluff and then pretend your hands are guns, point them at whoever you just bluffed and make shooting sounds. I personally stick to cowboy style “pewoon pewoon!”

#2. The Oh-So-Slow-Slow-Roller
Did I say the last one was my favorite? I meant that this is my favorite. It involves a bit of hollywooding and just good’ol fashion slow play. When you got the nuts act like you aint got nothing. Take your time making calls. Imagine your crawling the length of a football field and you can only make your move when you get to the other side. The purpose is to have someone call “time” on you during every betting turn. It just makes it oh-so-sweeter when you finally win the pot.

#1 The Idiot Incognito
Ok, seriously, this is my absolute favorite. It involves acting like you are the crossbreed of a fish and a donkey. First, start out by saying “This is my first time playing Phoenix Hold’em.” Then when some smart-ass corrects you saying it’s Texas Hold’em reply with “How bout that. I guess you learn something new everyday.” Now here is where it gets really fun (in 4-easy-steps!): 1. When you win a hand, act like you’ve lost and wait for the dealer to correct you. 2. Ask the dude you just beat why your hand was better. Really drill it into him that you have no idea why his hand lost and continue going over the hand again and again. Use words like “Really? Truly? For real? Fo shiz?” 3. Ask the rest of the table if he is right or being a punk-ass liar. 4. After confirming that your hand was in fact the best hand ask some what if questions like “What if you had this and I had that.” “What would happen if we had the same thing and the one of us had something different.” “What if? What if? What if?” Then all you go to do is repeat these 4 easy steps. Also, every now and then throw in comments like “All red is good right?” and “Are 2’s wild?”

WARNING: Many of these techniques may result in verbal or physical confrontations. Most likely both.

Yeeha!
-Cowboy Connor.

What’s up all you Mucksters? Vinny Vegas here and we just got back from Vegas and what a mucking awesome 4th of July weekend it was (more like 6 day weekend). It was so sick staying at the Rio with Poker Palooza going down as the WSOP Main Event kicked off. I was in Poker Heaven, taking down pots with the greats and meeting some mucking awesome people, but hey its Vegas so what did you expect.

First off I got to say the 2009 World Series of Poker is one for the books. I’m talking about 57 bracelets in 50 days. And with the main event under way who knows whats gonna happen next. I mean damn this years Main Event is the third largest in the 40 year life span of the WSOP, with a total of 6,494 players creating a prize pool of $61,043,600. And if your in the lucky 10% who make the money then your going to at least double up your investment because the last 648 players at least are taking home $21,365.

But who will be in the 10%? And from where? This year the WSOP has players from 99 different countries. And if your keeping count (which we are) the US has all you other countries owned in terms of bracelets. But your probably asking “how many bracelets has the US won Vinny?”

34 bracelets you Muckers! Next is Canada with 3! So I’m putting my money that its going to be Americans who are the lucky 9 to make the final table and guaranteed a million dollar pay day of at least $1.26 Million.

So get your calenders ready and start counting down 114 days cause that’s how long we got till the Final Table Showdown! And until then we just need to wait 21 days until we get to enjoy the WSOP action on (witch ESPN filmed with 40 mucking cameras WTM! That’s 5 more than this years Super Bowl used!)


Howdy Yall, this be your favorite Cowboy Connor. All I can say is I MUCKING LOVE VEGAS BABY! YEEHA!

All righty, enough about the reasons I wake up with morning glory. I want to take a moment and step back from all the ladies and Main Event Action and really pay tribut (did I spell that right Vin? Get the dictionary…muck it!)…anyway I wanted to pay this tribut thang to Ante Up For Africa.

Oh and did I mention Ben Affleck (oh my god that boy looked fine! Sorry Vinny but I would have so gone back to his room if he asked me to…TEE HEE) So all I can say is yes I agree with Connor, there should be like totally way more of these eye candy…I mean Ante up for Africa events…TOTALLY!

OK, so Lisa Hamilton (this years WSOP Ladies Champion) I have a bone to pick with you. I know going out on day 1 of the Main Event is frustrating but I can’t believe you vowed to never play in a tourney again. I mean damn girl I so like want to throw down with you! And you all ready proved you got what it takes (that bracelet of yours that you didn’t get to long ago should be a nice little reminder). So please please please don’t make good on your vow. Cause this year the Mucksters were out having fun in Vegas but next year look for us in chairs with chips at the WSOP! And hopefully you’ll be right there with us.

What! What! That’s right! We were there. All 3 of us. Debbie Deuce Dallas, Cowboy Connor, and me (Vinny Vegas). We camped out overnight and changed from our usual clothes to wear Purple and Yellow!

What an amazing sight it was. I think words here are simply lost so just look at the pics we took.

All I can say is once we resign Ariza and Odom we got another 3 peat coming our way…and that means we will have more Championships (and them yummy cookies!) than Boston! What what!

Word

-The Mucksters

YEE HA Lakers Fans!

This here is your favorite Cowboy. Now I know your all ecstatic about getting another NBA Championship (15th for the franchise, and 4 for Kobe) but it is time for the city of LA to be good Lakers fans.

Here are the top 5 ways NOT to celebrate our 15TH Lakers championship.

#5 Don’t Prove Your Lakers Manhood
So what exactly does this mean? It means being so drunk that you want to pick a fight with some one because you’re “the bigger Lakers fan!” It starts with a slight bump during the party in the street and then you like “Hey watch it Orlandoian!” And the the other drunk dude is going to be like “What you call me? I’m a bigger Lakers fan than you!” Next thing you know your either bloody or in cuffs.

#4 Don’t tip over cars.
Sure it sounds cool and you could have a nice drunken story to tell about how you “Totally tipped over a car!” But all in all, you probably just tipped over a Lakers fan’s car and he’s gonna come back from proving his Lakers Manhood and be like “What the muck!”

#3 Don’t Complain that LA won in Orlando and not at Home
This one cracks me up! You won the championship for crying out loud! I mean ok sure you might have wanted to use the home win as an excuse to go rioting (MORE THAN ALREADY TOOK PLACE) and grab a new TV but we all know how the Watts riots turned out. We all know.

#2 Don’t spend the next week partying.
Sure its great an all that LA won and the whole city is going crazy, but believe it or not some people in LA don’t like the Lakers (crazy right, that’s like being a US born terrorist). But any way with the economy so bad and you absent from work for a week might give these Laker haters a chance to swoop in on your job. I know, that’s cold, but they are Laker haters after all.

#1 Don’t Fly to Orlando in a #24 Kobe Brant Jersey and do a victory dance all over the city.Yes I know it sounds like a good idea. And what a better way to gloat that to do the Peter Griffin victory dance in front of Amway Arena, then city hall, and then Disney World, but the bottom line…there are more Orlandoians than you. Enough said.

-Cowboy Connor

P.S. I called it. Lakers in 5.

#5 Kramer Syndrome

Yes, we’re all aware of Michael Richards’s racial outbursts, but that’s not the only thing you don’t want to copy from this man. I’m talking about how much Kramer is a freaking fidgety f*%$er! This tell is a result of stress so unless you can keep your cool then by golly G they wont even need a seismograph to read you when you got the Kramer Syndrome…FYI it kind of tells the table you ain’t got Jack (sh*t, that is!).

#4 The Smiley Face

This one usually creeps up when your bluffing or check-raising. You know, that little smirk that pushes its way out of the corner of your mouth like a baby from the womb! This damn smile can reek havoc if you let it out. But if you do, best get with the program and smile wide…ask if you have anything in your teeth and maybe they’ll buy it. Or maybe that burly lumberjack man who’s been staring at you all night is actually a closet homosexual and will smile back…Just maybe!

# 3 Caffeine Cards

You know you’ve seen it before. That fool at the table who, for all you know, was recovering from his second lobotomy, then all of a sudden…BAM! He’s like a freaking barista who’s been drinking espresso since 5 AM without a moment to breathe. This player is like a rock, only playing hands he feels are bomb diggidy, grade-A caviar style. When you get a whiff of his home brew I would fold…unless you know u got top pair cause odds are he’s got at least pocket Jacks.

#2 Interpretive Dance

The meaning is all in the movement. This player uses authority in the way they toss around chips like they’re a mack daddy and the chips are just girls. This give away is usually a bluff because they want everyone to think that their hole cards would have Paris Hilton saying “That’s Hott”. But watch their actions, if they’re exaggerated like vaudeville then odds are you should call their extremely out of place raise.

#1 You are who you Are!

This one takes patients but if you have that (which you should cause your playing poker) then you may be the smartest man, woman, or child alive! No, but seriously this one is pretty straight forward. People bet the way they act, if you’re talking to a man and he says he’s a 10th grade math teacher and his chips are arranged in perfect columns, odds are he’s going to play the game according to statistics and odds. Now, lets say that same 10th grade math teacher told you he was laid off cause he had a thing with a few students, well then you know that aside from being a pedophile, this man likes to take risks! Do I need to say more?

YeeHa
Cowboy Connor

#5 The Big Baddy! 

Yee HA HA howdy HAHA HA!!!

If you can’t tell I’m in a good mood. No it wasn’t the Skinnamax I fell asleep watching or the chili dogs for breakfast…I’m talking about the Black Mamba, Kobe: Doing Work!

Kobe told all of Orlando last night “I’m not Lebron James Bi*#!es!” Then he went over to D-Howard and was like “Eh superGIRLYman! Your cape fell off! Oh what’s a matter Dwight! Can’t fly in the Finals?” Maybe not in those exact words but it was pretty damn close!

Bottom line. The Lakers told the Magic what real champions look like as every man, woman, Jack Nicholson, and child, played their role to perfection in Staples Center Thursday night. Lakers 100, Magic 75

[That's the face of an Orlandoian (Minus Tiger Woods cause even though he lives in Orlando, LA's got his soul MuhuHAHA!]

So pull out the white surrender flag Sam Van Gundy (Magic Coach) and start trying to look like your not going to have a stroke from constipation every second of the day.

I’m calling it: Lakers in 5! Vinny says 6 but what does he know!

In POKER NEWS: I’m shooting my pistols up in the air to celebrate Phil Ivey’s 6th bracelet win at the WSOP for the $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven Draw Event #8.

This is Cowboy Connor signing off!

A NOTE FROM DEBBIE: Dwight is a hottie and keep your heads up Orlando, it takes 4 games to win a championship.

Connor to Debbie: Kobe Bryant! Nuff Said. He takes to the HNL, Hole Nudda Level!

Morning Ya’ll!

So as Day #3 of the WSOP got underway it should have been no surprise that the $1,000 cash money No-Limit Hold’em event #4 had a former bracelet winner on top. Hey, once you taste cheese you know you want to eat more. And that’s what bracelet winner Dan Heimiller intends to do.

So any way Dan Heimiller was like a Spartan standing strong with 4,155,000 chips screaming “This is Sparta!” (No not really, but he might as well have, cause his cards were like the 300 against the armies of Xerxes!)

Heimiller, like bold Leonidas, told Stephen Birkett to get his sh*t out of Greece by going all in on the flop (which was a 9 of hearts, 6 spades, and a 7 spades).  Heimiller had a 9 of diamonds and an 8 of spades against Birkett’s pocket 10’s. The turn did nothing to help Heimiller but that Mucking RIVER! What would it be?

A mucking 9 of clubs! Heimiller, a bracelet winner, a good poker player, and a mother mucking river rat!

That’s right, I said it! Do something about it!

Cowboy Connor! YeeHA!