Another Mucking Blog

Vinny Vegas’s New Year Resolutions
Yo! I’m all business this year. It’s poker poker poker. Time to step my game up.

• Win the WSOP Main Event
• Order a Vesper Martini at Casino Royale in Monte Carlo, Monaco
• Win a couple mil off Tom Dwan
• Win a pot over 1K with 2-7 off-suited.

Debbie Deuce Dallas’s New Year Resolutions
Hey poker people. Here is my list. It’s cute and tiny, like me

• Start a breast cancer charity poker tournament.
• Be voted the hottest poker chick.
• Win a puppy in a hand.

Cowboy Connor’s New Year Resolutions
Howdy Yall. This year I have a short list. And a much more mucking practical one than last year (I never made it to being the first SpaceCowboy)

• Get a date with Kara Scott…mmm Kara
• Prove to Phil Hellmuth he can’t dodge bullets (both with cards and a colt45)
• Get a date with Lacie Jones…and then name her boobs. For the left one I was thinking, “Heavenly Creature” and the right one shall be called “Righty.”
• Steal Vanessa Rousso away from Chad Brown. Possibly in fashion of Borat bagging Pamela Anderson.
• Get Joe Cada to take me to a college keggar! Yeeha!!! Partay!!!
• Get Lady Gaga to show me her poker face…or let me poke her face.
• Go on a drinking binge and do a Broadway style reenactment of Rounders.
• Put a cork in the Mouth’s mouth.
• Discover that the real Joanna Krupa is much softer than my plastic one.
• Sabotage Phil Laak so that all his hoods look like the KKK
• Prove to Jennifer Tilly that she belongs in…porn, and that I should be the costar.
• Spray paint the Saints-Cowboys score onto Darvin Moon’s lawn. (Dallas 24 New Orleans 17)
• Find out if Phil Ivey really is the Tigrrrr woods of Poker, if so then I’m taking that fool to Tao Beach, so I can get my Noodle Wet with his leftovers!
• Teach poker strategy to a bunch of fish, tell them the wrong things, then play them online under an alias and…bring in the $$$$$$$$
• Be a poker playing SpaceCowboy!! It’s so on this year. Just need to get a huge bank roll so I can rent space ship from NASA or Hertz or something.
  

Ho ho ho all you hoes and poker people!

Here are the top 5 Holiday Poker Gifts (under $50)

#5. Rounders DVD (or Blue Ray): Price: $12.99. Every poker enthusiast / player / movie buff has seen this movie. And it’s got some pretty memorable quotes. WARNING: If you get this for some one you live with you may end up burning the gift or smacking the recipient of the gift across the face with the DVD case as they may spend a good portion of their lives watching and quoting this movie. But still its a keeper

Rounders DVD

Copag Cards

Ballar Card Guards

Enjoy Pocket Cams

#1. Massage: Price: Varies. This is for the real grinders. You know the ones that spend all day and night eating / breathing/ and stressing out about poker. Believe me this one will score you some real brownie points. With a gift like this you won’t even need mistletoe or spiked eggnog to get lucky this Holiday

Season.

Awe. Tilt. Every poker players favorite thing…NOT!

Sure, playing on tilt is as appealing and relieving as squatting in an overflowing port-a-potty but hey sometimes it happens. However, there is an upside (to tilt that is). I’m talking about deliberately trying to induce tilt on your opponents to get an advantage, because hey, let’s face it, this is much easier to do than slipping a laxative in their drink. Rest assured it has the same effects.

BRING ON THE TILTAGE!

Drum roll please…(this is where you, the reader, give me, Cowboy Connor, a drum roll)

PRESENTING THE TOP 5 WAYS TO INDUCE TILT

#5. Paris Hilton That Shit On The River
This one is my favorite. You do this when you happen to suck-out on the river. You start out by asking whoever lost the hand “Do you have a camera with night vision?” and then say  “Cause you just got F’d like Paris Hilton and we all saw it!” At that point turn to someone at the table who wasn’t in the hand and say “Am I right?” and then proceed to high five any one who is willing to give you one. If you get no love just do a little victory dance and shout “Oh yeah! That’s how you like it! Naughty girl!”

#4. Put Your Brain in Your Mouth
Actually, this one is my favorite. It involves verbally stating your thought process as you make decisions so the whole table can hear. But of course, your thought process has to verbally abuse the rest of the table. For example “Well I can smell rank B.O. off that guy so he must be nervous cause damn that dude is sweating up a storm.” or “That huge smile on his face is way too big, which means he’s never been laid and is probably holding the best hand of his life.”

#3. The Bluff Blasters
OK for real! This is my favorite. Its name comes from the action you do after winning a hand that you bluffed. Basically after winning the hand, reveal the bluff and then pretend your hands are guns, point them at whoever you just bluffed and make shooting sounds. I personally stick to cowboy style “pewoon pewoon!”

#2. The Oh-So-Slow-Slow-Roller
Did I say the last one was my favorite? I meant that this is my favorite. It involves a bit of hollywooding and just good’ol fashion slow play. When you got the nuts act like you aint got nothing. Take your time making calls. Imagine your crawling the length of a football field and you can only make your move when you get to the other side. The purpose is to have someone call “time” on you during every betting turn. It just makes it oh-so-sweeter when you finally win the pot.

#1 The Idiot Incognito
Ok, seriously, this is my absolute favorite. It involves acting like you are the crossbreed of a fish and a donkey. First, start out by saying “This is my first time playing Phoenix Hold’em.” Then when some smart-ass corrects you saying it’s Texas Hold’em reply with “How bout that. I guess you learn something new everyday.” Now here is where it gets really fun (in 4-easy-steps!): 1. When you win a hand, act like you’ve lost and wait for the dealer to correct you. 2. Ask the dude you just beat why your hand was better. Really drill it into him that you have no idea why his hand lost and continue going over the hand again and again. Use words like “Really? Truly? For real? Fo shiz?” 3. Ask the rest of the table if he is right or being a punk-ass liar. 4. After confirming that your hand was in fact the best hand ask some what if questions like “What if you had this and I had that.” “What would happen if we had the same thing and the one of us had something different.” “What if? What if? What if?” Then all you go to do is repeat these 4 easy steps. Also, every now and then throw in comments like “All red is good right?” and “Are 2’s wild?”

WARNING: Many of these techniques may result in verbal or physical confrontations. Most likely both.

Yeeha!
-Cowboy Connor.

YEE HA Lakers Fans!

This here is your favorite Cowboy. Now I know your all ecstatic about getting another NBA Championship (15th for the franchise, and 4 for Kobe) but it is time for the city of LA to be good Lakers fans.

Here are the top 5 ways NOT to celebrate our 15TH Lakers championship.

#5 Don’t Prove Your Lakers Manhood
So what exactly does this mean? It means being so drunk that you want to pick a fight with some one because you’re “the bigger Lakers fan!” It starts with a slight bump during the party in the street and then you like “Hey watch it Orlandoian!” And the the other drunk dude is going to be like “What you call me? I’m a bigger Lakers fan than you!” Next thing you know your either bloody or in cuffs.

#4 Don’t tip over cars.
Sure it sounds cool and you could have a nice drunken story to tell about how you “Totally tipped over a car!” But all in all, you probably just tipped over a Lakers fan’s car and he’s gonna come back from proving his Lakers Manhood and be like “What the muck!”

#3 Don’t Complain that LA won in Orlando and not at Home
This one cracks me up! You won the championship for crying out loud! I mean ok sure you might have wanted to use the home win as an excuse to go rioting (MORE THAN ALREADY TOOK PLACE) and grab a new TV but we all know how the Watts riots turned out. We all know.

#2 Don’t spend the next week partying.
Sure its great an all that LA won and the whole city is going crazy, but believe it or not some people in LA don’t like the Lakers (crazy right, that’s like being a US born terrorist). But any way with the economy so bad and you absent from work for a week might give these Laker haters a chance to swoop in on your job. I know, that’s cold, but they are Laker haters after all.

#1 Don’t Fly to Orlando in a #24 Kobe Brant Jersey and do a victory dance all over the city.Yes I know it sounds like a good idea. And what a better way to gloat that to do the Peter Griffin victory dance in front of Amway Arena, then city hall, and then Disney World, but the bottom line…there are more Orlandoians than you. Enough said.

-Cowboy Connor

P.S. I called it. Lakers in 5.

#5 Kramer Syndrome

Yes, we’re all aware of Michael Richards’s racial outbursts, but that’s not the only thing you don’t want to copy from this man. I’m talking about how much Kramer is a freaking fidgety f*%$er! This tell is a result of stress so unless you can keep your cool then by golly G they wont even need a seismograph to read you when you got the Kramer Syndrome…FYI it kind of tells the table you ain’t got Jack (sh*t, that is!).

#4 The Smiley Face

This one usually creeps up when your bluffing or check-raising. You know, that little smirk that pushes its way out of the corner of your mouth like a baby from the womb! This damn smile can reek havoc if you let it out. But if you do, best get with the program and smile wide…ask if you have anything in your teeth and maybe they’ll buy it. Or maybe that burly lumberjack man who’s been staring at you all night is actually a closet homosexual and will smile back…Just maybe!

# 3 Caffeine Cards

You know you’ve seen it before. That fool at the table who, for all you know, was recovering from his second lobotomy, then all of a sudden…BAM! He’s like a freaking barista who’s been drinking espresso since 5 AM without a moment to breathe. This player is like a rock, only playing hands he feels are bomb diggidy, grade-A caviar style. When you get a whiff of his home brew I would fold…unless you know u got top pair cause odds are he’s got at least pocket Jacks.

#2 Interpretive Dance

The meaning is all in the movement. This player uses authority in the way they toss around chips like they’re a mack daddy and the chips are just girls. This give away is usually a bluff because they want everyone to think that their hole cards would have Paris Hilton saying “That’s Hott”. But watch their actions, if they’re exaggerated like vaudeville then odds are you should call their extremely out of place raise.

#1 You are who you Are!

This one takes patients but if you have that (which you should cause your playing poker) then you may be the smartest man, woman, or child alive! No, but seriously this one is pretty straight forward. People bet the way they act, if you’re talking to a man and he says he’s a 10th grade math teacher and his chips are arranged in perfect columns, odds are he’s going to play the game according to statistics and odds. Now, lets say that same 10th grade math teacher told you he was laid off cause he had a thing with a few students, well then you know that aside from being a pedophile, this man likes to take risks! Do I need to say more?

YeeHa
Cowboy Connor

#5 The Big Baddy! 

Yee HA HA howdy HAHA HA!!!

If you can’t tell I’m in a good mood. No it wasn’t the Skinnamax I fell asleep watching or the chili dogs for breakfast…I’m talking about the Black Mamba, Kobe: Doing Work!

Kobe told all of Orlando last night “I’m not Lebron James Bi*#!es!” Then he went over to D-Howard and was like “Eh superGIRLYman! Your cape fell off! Oh what’s a matter Dwight! Can’t fly in the Finals?” Maybe not in those exact words but it was pretty damn close!

Bottom line. The Lakers told the Magic what real champions look like as every man, woman, Jack Nicholson, and child, played their role to perfection in Staples Center Thursday night. Lakers 100, Magic 75

[That's the face of an Orlandoian (Minus Tiger Woods cause even though he lives in Orlando, LA's got his soul MuhuHAHA!]

So pull out the white surrender flag Sam Van Gundy (Magic Coach) and start trying to look like your not going to have a stroke from constipation every second of the day.

I’m calling it: Lakers in 5! Vinny says 6 but what does he know!

In POKER NEWS: I’m shooting my pistols up in the air to celebrate Phil Ivey’s 6th bracelet win at the WSOP for the $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven Draw Event #8.

This is Cowboy Connor signing off!

A NOTE FROM DEBBIE: Dwight is a hottie and keep your heads up Orlando, it takes 4 games to win a championship.

Connor to Debbie: Kobe Bryant! Nuff Said. He takes to the HNL, Hole Nudda Level!

Morning Ya’ll!

So as Day #3 of the WSOP got underway it should have been no surprise that the $1,000 cash money No-Limit Hold’em event #4 had a former bracelet winner on top. Hey, once you taste cheese you know you want to eat more. And that’s what bracelet winner Dan Heimiller intends to do.

So any way Dan Heimiller was like a Spartan standing strong with 4,155,000 chips screaming “This is Sparta!” (No not really, but he might as well have, cause his cards were like the 300 against the armies of Xerxes!)

Heimiller, like bold Leonidas, told Stephen Birkett to get his sh*t out of Greece by going all in on the flop (which was a 9 of hearts, 6 spades, and a 7 spades).  Heimiller had a 9 of diamonds and an 8 of spades against Birkett’s pocket 10’s. The turn did nothing to help Heimiller but that Mucking RIVER! What would it be?

A mucking 9 of clubs! Heimiller, a bracelet winner, a good poker player, and a mother mucking river rat!

That’s right, I said it! Do something about it!

Cowboy Connor! YeeHA!