Awe. Tilt. Every poker players favorite thing…NOT!
Sure, playing on tilt is as appealing and relieving as squatting in an overflowing port-a-potty but hey sometimes it happens. However, there is an upside (to tilt that is). I’m talking about deliberately trying to induce tilt on your opponents to get an advantage, because hey, let’s face it, this is much easier to do than slipping a laxative in their drink. Rest assured it has the same effects.
BRING ON THE TILTAGE!
Drum roll please…(this is where you, the reader, give me, Cowboy Connor, a drum roll)
PRESENTING THE TOP 5 WAYS TO INDUCE TILT
#5. Paris Hilton That Shit On The River
This one is my favorite. You do this when you happen to suck-out on the river. You start out by asking whoever lost the hand “Do you have a camera with night vision?” and then say “Cause you just got F’d like Paris Hilton and we all saw it!” At that point turn to someone at the table who wasn’t in the hand and say “Am I right?” and then proceed to high five any one who is willing to give you one. If you get no love just do a little victory dance and shout “Oh yeah! That’s how you like it! Naughty girl!”
#4. Put Your Brain in Your Mouth
Actually, this one is my favorite. It involves verbally stating your thought process as you make decisions so the whole table can hear. But of course, your thought process has to verbally abuse the rest of the table. For example “Well I can smell rank B.O. off that guy so he must be nervous cause damn that dude is sweating up a storm.” or “That huge smile on his face is way too big, which means he’s never been laid and is probably holding the best hand of his life.”
#3. The Bluff Blasters
OK for real! This is my favorite. Its name comes from the action you do after winning a hand that you bluffed. Basically after winning the hand, reveal the bluff and then pretend your hands are guns, point them at whoever you just bluffed and make shooting sounds. I personally stick to cowboy style “pewoon pewoon!”
#2. The Oh-So-Slow-Slow-Roller
Did I say the last one was my favorite? I meant that this is my favorite. It involves a bit of hollywooding and just good’ol fashion slow play. When you got the nuts act like you aint got nothing. Take your time making calls. Imagine your crawling the length of a football field and you can only make your move when you get to the other side. The purpose is to have someone call “time” on you during every betting turn. It just makes it oh-so-sweeter when you finally win the pot.
#1 The Idiot Incognito
Ok, seriously, this is my absolute favorite. It involves acting like you are the crossbreed of a fish and a donkey. First, start out by saying “This is my first time playing Phoenix Hold’em.” Then when some smart-ass corrects you saying it’s Texas Hold’em reply with “How bout that. I guess you learn something new everyday.” Now here is where it gets really fun (in 4-easy-steps!): 1. When you win a hand, act like you’ve lost and wait for the dealer to correct you. 2. Ask the dude you just beat why your hand was better. Really drill it into him that you have no idea why his hand lost and continue going over the hand again and again. Use words like “Really? Truly? For real? Fo shiz?” 3. Ask the rest of the table if he is right or being a punk-ass liar. 4. After confirming that your hand was in fact the best hand ask some what if questions like “What if you had this and I had that.” “What would happen if we had the same thing and the one of us had something different.” “What if? What if? What if?” Then all you go to do is repeat these 4 easy steps. Also, every now and then throw in comments like “All red is good right?” and “Are 2’s wild?”
WARNING: Many of these techniques may result in verbal or physical confrontations. Most likely both.
Yeeha!
-Cowboy Connor.
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