Another Mucking Blog

Recently I read an article about how a church refused a donation from an old woman because she won the money “gambling!” OH MY GOD! NO not that! How dare she! That God forsaken whore! She won the money committing…SINS!

Those might not of been the churches exact words but many religions around the world denounce gambling as a sin.

Let me break it down for you how as to how the holy view our kind as SINNERS!!!

Christians: “Gambling is sin, when evaluated in light of God’s Word. The church of Jesus Christ must condemn gambling.” But let us not forget that it’s ok for Christians to have Crusades and Inquisitions but God Forbid a man play some Hold’em in his spare time.

Jews: Rabbi Eliezer Danzinger states that when gambling even a winner is still a loser “Morally speaking” and that he feels he contributes to the economy which in fact he does not. Hmm…so much I could say here…

Islam: I mean come on here, this one is a no brainer. The Quranic Edicts forbid most of my favorite things. I’m talking about shots of patron, one night stands, Egg McMuffins, and of course Texas Hold’em! No wonder so many fundamentalist view us as “INFIDELS!!”

Scientology: OK so it might not be the most…um…ancient religion but L. Ron Hubbard denounced gambling! Probably cause it meant less money for him. But yeah Casino Mogul James Packer (Australia’s second richest man) was a devoted Scientologist until his expanding casino empire came into conflicts with his cult…I mean religious beliefs…Did I just say cult?

Buddhist: Being a religion about dicipline they broke it down nice and easy with 6 evil consequences for gambling.

1. The winner begets hate.

2. The loser grieves for lost wealth.

3. Loss of wealth (not sure how this is different than 2).

4. His word is not relied upon in court of law.

5 He is despised by his friends and associates (unless his friends and his asscoitates are baller card sharks).

6. He is not sought after for matrimony: for people say he is a gambler and not fit to look after a wife (clearly Buddhist have never heard the term “Gold Digger!”)

Hindu: Hindu priests regard gambling with discontent but they by no means see it as a moral lapse of character. SHIT! The Hindu’s know what’s up!

All I can say is that aside from Hindus we’re all ROYALLY F’d in the terms of religion! So with that said lets take a note from L. Ron and start our own religion. The Poker Religion! Where we will not turn away that old woman who wants to make a donation and will use her winnings to help fund a nice little orphanage or something, cause we’re holy after all. And just like L. Ron we can use our new religion as a loop hole with tax write offs and we can keep the mother mucking IRS out of our Poker Winnings! Cause after all they will only be holy donations brought by the fundamental religious beliefs that we preach.

Amen

-Vinny Vegas

Vinny and Connor told me to write something about poker…but I’ve been up all night…I watched the Wiz, I brought out all my old Michael Jackson vinyls and you know what, FUCK what Vinny and Connor want.

I want to take this moment to tell the world that I am drinking a 40 at 10 AM (this one’s for Mike).

Sure he wasn’t the most “normal” of celebrities but this man changed Music. He Thrilled us and may have been the greatest entertainer of all time. And even if South Park and so many others made fun of this man, it’s only because he had reached such a state of super stardom that we could make fun these things we never understood. But he lived in a world where he couldn’t step foot outside his house with out being swarmed, he had no real child hood, and if your a true fan then you definitely heard his confession about his father on Oprah, so for what ever reasons he may have, there was nothing “normal” about his life from the get go.

Bottom line Mike, we will miss you. I had my fingers crossed for your up coming London tour and a hopeful glorious comeback, but sadly your legacy remains where it is.

Where ever you are Michael, I’m BETTING your walking on the moon right now and it doesn’t matter if your black or white, cause to me you’ll always be the King of Pop.

So much Love

-Debbie Deuce Dallas

With Poker Palooza (formerly known as the Gaming Life Expo) just a few weeks away I started to think about Poker in the future. And then I fell asleep still thinking about poker of the future and had this dream about poker in the year 2091. Here were the top 5 changes to the game.

#5 Robot Dealers
These cybertronic dealers are not all bolts and microchips. Oh No! They’re way more than that. I’m talking about the ability to shuffle 8 decks at once, to deal out the cards in pin point precision, recite the rules at a whim, and the ability to eye the pot and within an instance tell you to the exact chip the value. The only down side was supposedly super hackers could do some sort of wire tap thingy and fix the game. So bottom line, in the future learn to be a hacker first and poker player second.

#4 The Ever-Changing Poker Face Helmet
This thing doesn’t look like a helmet when it’s on. In fact, you wouldn’t even notice some one was wearing it at first because it looks like a normal human face one second, and the next your staring at brontosaurus. That’s right, this futuristic gismo gives the card player the ability to change his face into any shape, form, or image he desires. Be it the head of a great white shark, or a that bright blue face and floppy red hat of Papa Smurf. This sucker is a must have for an armature going up against the big boys.

#3 The Bluff-O reader Sunglasses
We all know that many poker players wear sunglasses to hide their poker faces, but in the future sunglasses do way more than that. WAY MORE! The Bluff-O reader Sunglasses have a built in monitor that recognizes voice signatures and can determine the truthfulness of a players call or raise similar to a police lie detector. A real pro in the future is the one who can bluff the Bluff-O reader.

#2 The Fog Horn
What? A fog horn? Didn’t those things come out in the 20th century? Yes, but for some reason in the future it’s become the fad (a pretty annoying one) to use a fog horn every time a player raises or calls. Sure you don’t get many friends at the table with this vintage device but for some reason no one in the future complains about it, well almost no one, Phil Hellmuth Version 6.72 was programmed to complain non-stop, then again, it’s Phil, so what’s new.

#1 The Invisibility Suit
Supposedly the idea of the invisibility suit started when US soldiers behind enemy lines wanted to play some cards, but it caught on with the pros. There’s nothing more intimidating than being unable to read your opponents Poker Face because all you see is…nothing, well you do see the floating chips when they call or raise but still it’s mucking hard to read these suckers. Nothing creepier than watching your chips float away after you lost a showdown.

All and all I can say that as cool as the future is (minus the Robot girls that give you drinks. Call me old school but I prefer flesh and bones any day) poker in the present is way cooler, except for maybe the Ever-Changing Poker Face Helmet.

-Vinny Vegas

OMG! 30 players remain in the WSOP Event #41 $5,00 No-Limit Hold’em Shootout and there is a 30 way tie for first!! And i repeat OMG!

Talk about difficulty trying to pick one man to keep ur eye on. I mean when Phil Ivey is tied with 29 others he suddenly isn’t as hott.

Silly tournament structure. Basically every table played down to just 1 player with no rest. So every one came on top (…mm…NVM…) with the same amount of chips. I hope day 2 gets me going cause right now my hormones are all over the place with 30 hotties to root for.

Sigh. Life is hard when you’re a girl.

KISS
Debbie Deuce Dallas

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OK so with all the WSOP action going on and bracelets and bucks being handed out left and right something is starting to bother me…I’m talking about Taxes!

I mean all these mucking big Govs. think they can just tax poker winnings…I mean the US with our freaking tax laws, and sh*t Denmark’s Tax laws stuck it to our Boy Peter Eastgate leaving him with a lousy $2.4 Mil out of his original $9,100,000 that he won for being the mac daddy at the 2008 WSOP! MUCKING EH!

Might as well have been the freaking bubble boy!

So I have this Idea…all the Ballar poker players of the world…buy a freaking Island, build a casino where you play only under fake names, have seminars on money laundering, and stick it to your governments and their stupid mucking tax on winnings! I mean for crying out loud…they might as well tax Christmas gifts!

I’m out!

-Vinny Vegas

Sigh…Lakers season is over…Repeat sigh…

OK now back to the good Sh*T! I’m talking about POKER!

So heres a brief recap of all the great WSOP action that we’ve missed after our days of basking in the glory of the Lakers 15th championship.

Leo Wolpert (or as I call him the Week End Warrior due to the fact he works a 9-5, M-F and is a Law Student) won his first Mucking Bracelet in Event #29 the $10,000 No-Limit Hold’em Heads Up Championship. Earning him a stack of Benjamins. $625,682 to be exact.

And after 3 crazy days the $10,000 World Championship Limit Hold’em event put a nice gold bracelet on Greg “FBT” Mueller’s wrist and $460,836 in his pocket.

Well done gentleman, well done.

Peace
-Vinny Vegas.

What! What! That’s right! We were there. All 3 of us. Debbie Deuce Dallas, Cowboy Connor, and me (Vinny Vegas). We camped out overnight and changed from our usual clothes to wear Purple and Yellow!

What an amazing sight it was. I think words here are simply lost so just look at the pics we took.

All I can say is once we resign Ariza and Odom we got another 3 peat coming our way…and that means we will have more Championships (and them yummy cookies!) than Boston! What what!

Word

-The Mucksters

So get this, the Harrah’s (owner of the World Series of Poker) tossed 11 time WSOP bracelet champion Phil Hellmuth out on his ass…well not really, he’s got the buck to go some place else. But woh! Talk about sticking it to the man, the champ, the Phil Hellmuth.

You got to love technology because here are his own words coming to you strait via Twitter: “Nice casino Harrah’s! i Played blackjack for 500 a hand for 3 hours, took 30 pics, signed 30 autographs last night.. Today kicked me out of suite! one night and out! Harrahs Hotel…will never stay there again. Now time to get positive!! In limit holdem!”"

Hellmuth who has been known to Twitter in a “Drunken State” really knows how to live it up. Getting tossed while taking braclets. Well, none this year yet but we’ll see.

So I say to you Phil, “So what if you got tossed, your still Phil Hellmuth, the ultimate Poker Brat.”

Peace
-Vinny Vegas

YEE HA Lakers Fans!

This here is your favorite Cowboy. Now I know your all ecstatic about getting another NBA Championship (15th for the franchise, and 4 for Kobe) but it is time for the city of LA to be good Lakers fans.

Here are the top 5 ways NOT to celebrate our 15TH Lakers championship.

#5 Don’t Prove Your Lakers Manhood
So what exactly does this mean? It means being so drunk that you want to pick a fight with some one because you’re “the bigger Lakers fan!” It starts with a slight bump during the party in the street and then you like “Hey watch it Orlandoian!” And the the other drunk dude is going to be like “What you call me? I’m a bigger Lakers fan than you!” Next thing you know your either bloody or in cuffs.

#4 Don’t tip over cars.
Sure it sounds cool and you could have a nice drunken story to tell about how you “Totally tipped over a car!” But all in all, you probably just tipped over a Lakers fan’s car and he’s gonna come back from proving his Lakers Manhood and be like “What the muck!”

#3 Don’t Complain that LA won in Orlando and not at Home
This one cracks me up! You won the championship for crying out loud! I mean ok sure you might have wanted to use the home win as an excuse to go rioting (MORE THAN ALREADY TOOK PLACE) and grab a new TV but we all know how the Watts riots turned out. We all know.

#2 Don’t spend the next week partying.
Sure its great an all that LA won and the whole city is going crazy, but believe it or not some people in LA don’t like the Lakers (crazy right, that’s like being a US born terrorist). But any way with the economy so bad and you absent from work for a week might give these Laker haters a chance to swoop in on your job. I know, that’s cold, but they are Laker haters after all.

#1 Don’t Fly to Orlando in a #24 Kobe Brant Jersey and do a victory dance all over the city.Yes I know it sounds like a good idea. And what a better way to gloat that to do the Peter Griffin victory dance in front of Amway Arena, then city hall, and then Disney World, but the bottom line…there are more Orlandoians than you. Enough said.

-Cowboy Connor

P.S. I called it. Lakers in 5.

In one more win, the Kobe puppet can say to the Lebron puppet “Lebron have you seen my 4 championship rings? Each one of these 4 cookies represents a championship ring that you don’t have!”

And the Lebron puppet is going to bow its head in shame and think to its self “Damn Kobe deserved to be MVP, Most Valuable Puppet”

And then the Kobe puppet will go and take his new ring over to his display case, put it in and say “That’s right, now your home.”

With that said its amazing how the Lakers can steal a game in 10 seconds. Great Job Derrick Fisher and to all his critics, well there is a reason why he is co-captain with Kobe Bryant. His two clutch 3’s give the Lakers a 3-1 Lead in the NBA Finals.

Now the only question remains, will the Magic allow the Lakers to have glory on their home court, or is it coming back to LA for game 6?

Peace
-Vinny Vegas